It was late on a Monday night. I had had a horrible day at work. I hadn’t eaten for fear I would be sick. I didn’t want to think about it, yet it was all I was thinking of.
Again I went to our local station. There was a couch and an arm chair. I was left in there whilst they made sure the equipment was working. Then our liaison officer came in and we went through what had happened to me. At the time, I didn’t realise how nervous I was or how scared I really was. It was only having had to watch it twice (once before each trial) that I can see myself as her. As the victim he made me. I could see myself bending down to pull at my boots – physically I was hugging myself. Your body does things to protect itself without evening thinking about it. I could see that as I watched myself retell my pain. I didn’t ever need to watch it again. I could have told them what happened blindfolded and hanging upside-down. It is my truth. It has always been my truth. And there it was in plain sight. I knew he would see it. I knew he would see me. The idea sent shivers down my spine.
Shortly after that – I cut my hair. I went and had a make up lesson and bought all new make up. Anything that would mean I wasn’t her. He could see her but he would never know me.